i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
