The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
