Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize