My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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