You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
