My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
