he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
