The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
