just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
