Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
