Duck Duck Cougar?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize