Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
