Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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