please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
