Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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