You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
