WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Still dying that you shit outside
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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