She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
