I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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