is your mom at the bar?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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