Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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