not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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