I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
