Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
His nipple licking is glorious
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