there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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