Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
