I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
