from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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