The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize