I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
