I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
