wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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