Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
