Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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