the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
