Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
