i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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