Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
