we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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