he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
