you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
