i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
