If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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