My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
