Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
