She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize