Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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