i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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