and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
