On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
