So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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