dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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