he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
