Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
