Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
