i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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