she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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