dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
