I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
