I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
