Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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