good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
