Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
