yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
