Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
