worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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