I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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